| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|01:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | commercials mixed with concrete drilling | ] |
Restrictions have no place for independance. Therefore I can't sit corner-side plastered-in and continue creative thinking, when there are so many different flavors right outside the porch. porchside has new meaning to it. theres no music in my room, and I secretly hope for my belongings to come alive at night and put themselves away. |
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| on the brink of world war 3 |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|08:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dead Prez- You'll find a way | ] |
i wish there was a way to grasp any accomplishments which will behold new things in years to come, but eveyrtihng I am doing with school now and in the next couple years is not truly what I want. Maybe the final job, or those few classes peak my interest, but eveyrthing in between is a cloud which covers up my time and I feel it creeping up more and more in my throat on my mind, I can't taste any success, but I have to look at the bigger picture. The final job, I cant even categorize it, or tell myself some range of what it should be without if's but's, each one comes from, well maybe, to where theres also that. I love music, devoting myself to music fulltime goes beyond my own borders and sometihng just holds me back. Its invisible, I cant explain or express it, as if to say there are better things, time is wasting, but its love theres no time on that, it doesnt leave and come back, tihnking of athletes, at one point theyw ill have to stop, theyre bodies can no longer do what it is they want, but with music everlasting, not even love wiht soemone else measures, that could always be broken with uncertainties, well so far she hasnt compared . Notihng is better than what your passionate for, nothing. life. life doesnt define these college years. They are college years just for that fact, eveyrtihng after this we morph to settle. Settling is nice, peace of mind is better. It really feels that we shouldnt stop, last year was yesterday today has new meaning, new understanding. Communism tells you what to do, how to do it, no choices. I dont want to say it but this is the struggle, the mass choices, disgusted by those who find that specific and stay with it. Its not being disgusted as much as it is jealous, its not being jealous as it is to be blind, maybe Im looking at it, others are too but were reallynot seeing it. what is it I should do, pay my bills and have my time. our fathers struggled, their fathers struggled with work, accomplishment, even joy or lack there of, but when I look at them, they're transparent, sometihng is missing, but to even mention such spurs anger, Im only helping, but helping myself in the end to know what it is to be, not happy, not pleased, but satisfied, fullfilled, content, harmony. Ive chosen to call my brother on his 30th, what a stupid decision, to picka certain date to do this, but the only reasoning is the thought itself, its been years, brother isnt really the right word but i would like to bring it upon myself to begin something. nobody can walk this place alone and be at peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|10:08 pm] |
wilco- atleast thats what you said.
the fury in the translucent trial, silhouettes all around. |
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| how does the branch stem |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|02:35 am] |
an argument with dad seems as though it was 6 years ago the same situation occurred. We are each stubborn in our own agendas while we speak and so interaction breaks down and it ends up being different ways of communicating that agenda across, sometimes it works, othertimes theres silence and a new idea formed thats tangent to the first agenda and that might reach the other person to stop, and say maybe hes right, but it wont happen, were both right, everytime. But then a day passes, a day of responsibility, really just silting new thoughts throughout the day to come back to another call as if nothing happened, there was no argument, now what is better. Is this silence an early warning of grandeur things to come in later life when we glaze over unresolved isues only see them uproot again? Or is this a pattern of comfortability. There are always new things I come up with to say after the fact, the intensity level has a way of halting furhter thought, should work on that. Or maybe just the actions of my life will speak louder than anything I can say, and there left with no other option but to embrace the manchild. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|11:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | louis logic and j.j.brown- new leaf | ] |
hip hop is tender right now. louis logic and a little jj. im sober like jehova |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|02:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | telepopmusik- nothings burning | ] |
well I left my usb cable to connect my camera to upload tons of photos Ive been taking over the last couple of weeks, at my folks house in Los Angeles. The word fuck feels good, but then i retire back into my chair, which is an exact chair they use at brithday parties, or hispanic church gatherings, steel with padding, and I continue the battle with unavoiding the internet. What is the bait, its better than crack, a free whore. Now I hear they are going to quit making the internet an even playing field for all the world to use and companies such as Verizon, At$T, SBC, want to add on taxes to certain websites, making some load faster than others, or accessible altogether. I saw this coming, frankly I am not surprised and amused, that this world will never stop. THE GREED. if i was CFO of any of these companies, I wouldn't do it any differently. GREED. there are a few times throughout the year that beign selfish is emplored, this day I feel it. Im sure none of it will happen until maybe our grandkids, but by then I'll have all the music and movies for them to scroll through. Let's start burning, saving, digitizing, then again devices that hold the info cannot go on forever without crashing and losing everything I have invested into it. So, lesson for today, be wise. im uploading some pictures from my hd, just been floating around in the background unscathed.
from 'the rock'
( another rotation of earth ) |
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| warfare |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|12:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Camille- La jeune fille aux cheveux blancs | ] |
today im expressing to the deaf. atleast the internet gives me inisght into others. our proximities are not far, weird how once someone gets a new car, you begin seeing that car everywhere, or you tihnk of one, same thing happens. You feel a certain way, and begin erecting others that are similar, but still noticing others only slightly. the ones that remain are only those that feel close to home. each passing state channels us into tribes, which tribe are you in? time has come to denounce all tribes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|11:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ben Harper- Black Rain | ] |
if you'd like a brain-teaser to stimulate some time and mind, go to www.oneword.com, todays word was obscure. the page came so quick it was hard to tihnk of anything except defining the word itself. I was reading what others wrote, and one perosn wrote about how everyday he feels obscure, and it never ends and hopefully one day, a 'veil' will be lifted, meaning eveyrtihng will not be obscure. I wrote somewthing similar, but i beleive that if obscurity ends death ensues. I want obscurity ot be endless, quesitons never answered, quesitons created from questions, it's a cycle but one that makes me feel alive. I know obscurity will be lifted in certain aspects, maybe family, and love, maybe not even that, but to have this frustration is a sense of being human. Obscurity deifnitely does not mean that its un explainable, its jsut a way of saying that it's vague, I have an explanation, but its definitely not a substantial one. vagueness, obscurity, perplexiness, confusing, distraught, and theng glory after it all.the man who sits down but the chair gets taken right from under him, falls flatass to the floor, a second of frustration, but then smiles. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|06:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | jon kennedy- you, you and you | ] |
can anyone help me to stop my left eyelid from twitching? i dont feel any stress, nervousness, anxiety, frustration, or wanting to be one-eyed. should i buy an eye patch? I can feel it slowly building and happening, then nothing, and it comes unexpectedly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|09:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Led Zeppelin - Fool in the Rain | ] |
saw chrystal in between classes today. she did a shout out form the top blacony, while on the phone, 'eli call me', i replied with alright good luck! good luck with what son, she said call me, maybe she wants me to call her, what a fucking idea. Im pretty sure i said goodluck because she's one of those where it was, lets do this thing in class together to better ourselves by helping each other, talk after class about class, in class about class, so goodluck with your class im not in hope you ace it but wait, but we dont have class together this time. dummy. I'll call her, but first Im gonna wait at that balcony until she comes out, tomorow, if not then then the day after, if it happened once it can happen again with coincidence being pushed from behind. hopefully my lab wont start yet but if it does, met a cool guy macki, im sure hell cover the intro for me. She is fine, energy surged through me when I was side swiped by her yelling, my deep thoughts, and her sweet voice, black then white, man then woman. well see, shes funny, and her skin. Im not going to get into deep right now, well why the fuck not, shes got great skin, she krinkles her nose, yea krinkles, i like it. well see where it goes but she mentioned before about nice cars and what not, lets pray she wont be one of those. let us pray. i got to be cool, ill be what i be. Theres this urge to crack a joke do this and that, lets not make serious talks all the time eli, people want to laugh and not delve into their families and skeletons. We have been comfortable once, no reaosn why that cant, shouldn't, happen again. It's been a while for a girlfriend, Ive just been focusing on personal agendas, to much, but theres room for a sidekick. always. lets share. Still need to keep my focus on physics, been going, feel liks a sardine, soemtimes a sheep, so i go from stupid ass, to dumb. Then I feel genius outside. quote of the week, 'my ass might be dumb but I ain't no dumbass'-foxie Brown. im writing in another journal, its hand written, much slower, thoughts race beyond my ability to write, but its alot more I dont need all that here and it travels. sees what i see, hears what i hear..........wellsfargo gave me a cd to promote their loans, it aint half bad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|03:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | explosions in the sky- a song for our fathers | ] |
today Aimee Mann kicked off the Concert in the Park. Theyre free concerts ina great venue, Stern Grove, its park surrounded with lush forrest trees, an array of colours form flowers and chopped wood used as benches. inside of it the hills descend into a grass field where there is a mainstage. I have never seen it this packed before, hundreds maybe eevn thousands surrounding the echelons of the forrest, a true feeling of joy and being welcomed. Its 4 houses down from where I live and I cannot wait for next sunday. She is an inspiration, alone up there with the guitar, covered up, because ofcourse in the bay, when your in the shade it gets a bit cold. Everyone embracing each other and the music, I was surprised of how well the acouistics are throughout the park. After Aimee Seu Jorge is performing, he did the music for Life Aquatic but unfortunately nba playoffs are on, what a great place. endless possibilities, there are no shades. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|09:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | moby- extreme ways | ] |
update, im goiong greyhound, i want to see how many rides it will take, for the statistic of riding on it and overturning to end. i tihnk this will be my 5th or 6th ride, i feel it getting close to a tight turn, or a car fishtailing us. I made it even worse my bus was leaving at 330 pm , sunshine, changed it to 8pm, get in san fran at 6am, make it a little more interesting. message box has been full ive ben keepin my phone off, went to venice with chrystal, gettin a tan, enjoying the car , the beach, good lookin women, boardwalk, r/c airplanes over at supelvada, the fucking heatwave, havent gone to bar, definitely could be because of the - in the account. they got that, shit what is it called, 2 wheels, lean forward it goes forward, the platform scooter, shit is ridiculous, theyre was a tour of a family and a guide that rode past us and i quote him 'these machines have levelers, lets try these hills', and up and down they go, they floated, that thing came out couple of years ago didnt? looks nuts, whats going to come out to beat that is a mystery, itd be awesome for san fran. you knwo what those bastards dont have horns or even a bell on it. Saw clerks last night, favorite movie as of right now. litle recap on davinici code, the divine number, 1.618 or might be 1.619. it applies to everything, animal shell segments, divided as a ratio, if i measure from the top of my head to the floor, and also from my shoulder to my fingertips, divide, itll be a 1.618/9 ratio. do it. pentagram, each section is divided equally in a ratio of 1.618, it just gets better, applies all around the spectrum, im fucking amazed, i cant get off it, itll fade. on top of it all im hanging up on my wall when i get back the most i can spend a week on food, entertainment, if i see it, ill know, if i dont, i slide the magnet which is becomign more of an addiciton than responsibility. only took, lets see, since 16., 6 years to get organized financially. fucks sake, dad was telling me about his past jobs today it was quite nuts, from mattel to boeing, used to know just the generalities of it, not any specifics but today, the whole jalloppie, managers, backstabbers, friends. Dad has always went a straight pathway, never trying to do side deals, to gain anything, well maybe to gain better approval but no monetary compensation, ofcourse that could ensue, its a good lesson from my money scamming days. Look where he is now, couldnt really be better. And then ofcourse my degree in physiology, i want it to open doors for careers, not doors to further my education, well see though i think they, counselors advisors, emphasise all the graduate schools and potentials but ntohign really about careers if i stop after the degree, i just hope theres a prayer other than teaching and research. im sure itll be alright. oh fuck, one last thing, after watching making the band 3, see what faces there marketing now, RUNS HOUSE came on, thats right kids, reverend runs reality show, he is awesome. hes got a shitload of kids but that was beside the point, its runs house. the best part, his wife wants another kid, he says no, they barely talk about it, she goes out and buys baby slippers on sale, pink ones, how wthe fuc do you know tis a girl, run says and i quote 'you could buy zebras on sale but we dont got a zoo'. shes some 18 year old black chick with a trunk, whos 40. and its run. alright watch some soccer, italy and u.s. tomroow, brazil was great to watch, brazil said if they sold ronaldo right now they get 120 million. if i could practice a rare instrument, not become an expert but good enough for people to notice..$$. |
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| the shitter that gets deeper |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|09:17 pm] |
even the waterboys are getting it easier. Sweden just scored a goal, the waterboy ran out for the jumping hug, he had a belt of water bottles, stacked like ammunition casings all around his waist. i do understand, it makes it easier, theres many players on the field, but make the guy work for fucks sake. spanish spell it gol! |
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| i would like a kite only for today |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|02:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | thievery corporation - samba tranquille | ] |
you can't beat reading at the beach. thoughts flush through, seagulls eating away at leftover sandwiches nearby. if only I could be writing this with a laptop on the beach, it's the sand, it get's everywhere, maybe it knows how unnecassary it is so the only way to be recognized is to be a pest, in everyway, everyplace. I feel refreshed heading back up. Nothing really to say that could describe the rest, i guess it was to tangible for words. Like riding a cycle, even though I havent rode on one for more than an hour, its being in the physical, not behind a glass shield. Even in the bike helmet, as long as the air brushes the hair on the skin. I haven't relaly felt human lately, its because I havent felt a wide range of emotions, I can psyche myself into it, but in the end, seconds later, it was only me who caused it. Thats why living at home is a sentence, but visiting home is a blessing.
ahh one more thing crossing my mind, what Gene Wilder wrote on one of his last pages in his book Kiss Me Like A Stranger, is the exact way I feel about actors/actresses in general. When one is a child, and you do an imitation, or act out something you have seen, mom loves it, yells out to dad, 'come see what he/shes done, quick come, hunny can you please do it again for daddy it was great', you do it again, and this reward you get from them being so happy from those few minutes. Then you do more, and maybe continue on into professional life, only to find this reward again from the audience, to love me for the way I can portray someone else in a short period of time, whether it would be comical or dramatic. Always to please, and the reward is... if there wasn't a big paycheck, well atleast they liked it. i just wonder if they know who they are, they spend all this time portraying someone else, different characters, changing many many styles in short periods of time which can span years of their lives, and when they go home, its shit. ? i do like some, to name a few, catherine zeta-jones, as well as dennis leary, they know, see through the bullshit, and act when its appropriate. how can i tell, well I base my judgement on interviews, to many of them are characters. You can see it in the silent time, when they're not speaking, the way they sit, gestures, the amount of water they drink. ah fuck it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|12:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | crows on the ledge. | ] |
we all came from the security spectrum, wasn't so bad. it just needed to be more open-ended back then, thats what should be fixed with our offspring, if any. all i can listen to is 80's music now, its a funk, vibe, whiplash, i don't think it's very genuine in that time frame. what i mean is that if I was in the 80's, I wouldn't think it would be 80's music but music ahead of its time. it is. |
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| screening for security |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|03:04 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | enigma- lsd. | ] |
individualist: i cannot comform and if this shall happen I will be no better than what I once was, and it wasn't an individualist, far from it. Happy birthday, another day for thought and expression, while sharing and revealing. what is this chosen pathway? all these people seem to be holding on, latching onto something that is no longer there. We must make a new but how can I if I wonder that every path has been taken. I can only say mine is unique to myself but to the world and its past, it isnt. Our generation Y, such a retarded people. There are two kinds of people, the ones who passed through this thought and accept security as being their fate, and there are those who break through the lines and never look back on security as a basis for happiness or enlightenment. But if my friend and the great buddha are correct about ridding our desires, I would have to rid myself of eveyr human emotion to be at ultimate peace with myself and the surroundings. I feel as though the only thing saving me to know my path is my thoughts surrounding having passion and no security, because security means there's a hold on me. There will never be a movement which has happened so recently ago, but we are the new population which will break down these bars, or so I feel this with few that matter, all the others are simply ignorant and happy, I have hate, not because they are happy but the ignorance makes them dumbfoundedly(?) happy. be intelligent, this stranglehold on a fast pace environment is only pushing us to break through, but I fear we are the last, for I know that our grandkids will not understand, but I want to give them credit, maybe it will let them be more intelligent, it just depends on the beholder. |
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| coccoon |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|06:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | explosions in the sky | ] |
is that how you spell coccoon? so I feel Like im in one, and the butterfly's wings are piercing the armour ready for flight. Last week in this summer break has been eventful, I have been wiht my closest friends throughout my life all placed in various parts, san francisco, san jose, santa cruz. Theres an element of purity that only comes when all the ingredients are there. We should all live in one big house even with out differences and outlooks, but then again close quarters could cramp each of our styles. Agreed upon. Spent today discussing my grade to see if I can reverse it with the graduate student teacher who loves the power he holds. Before I walked in I read some sacred hoops and discussed it with Kelly whom I met in the grove inside of school. It was once corny to say how can I relate philosophies of sport into my daily life which is hardly ever surrounded by sport, but now it takes on new meaning, not what he brought to the sport but what Phil encountered and how he changed so much mentally before applying any of it to his work. I really only have a glimpse of games here and there but never revolving around my life. Reading what Phil had to say was exactly like reading a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly but the butterfly has yet to find the answers, all that he has are the questions that were once answered and the new questions that have arisen from those answers. He opened up his mind first, then his heart followed. Ryans been staying with me for a while, but he's going to leave and I'll have this left over organism I call it, to deal with. He'll be missed to have around, new ideas, just new is sometihng that won't last but should be held while it's floating around us. I need to throw, not my body, but my inner, out there and play with it, let others play to so I can just really develop the self. I walked into the meeting today with Phils thoughts and conceptions in mind, 'a pebble cannot be picked up by a finger', I was calm, never attacking, but curious. Dissecting every question with him, he was visibly getting agitated at every question but it was my right, and my time to speak, that could have been why no change was made, but all in all, you get what you deserve, well most of the time. ryans here in my bed, i am on my chair. things are swell. peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|12:48 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | band of horses | ] |
long days, feels like endless summer nights, its great. I gave them incentive if my agreement with them fails concerning school. If it happens in the way I can't contorl I will not keep up my end of the bargain. I cannot leave a place that has taught me, still teaching me, theyll understand with time. im sure of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2006|02:04 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | led zeppelin- going to cali | ] |
alot has happened tonight and oddly enough it surrounds a 20 minute conversation with carly. After that talk we had, which was great, I had a long talk with myself on the way home, come to know that I am crooked. just fucking crooked and it doesnt stop for some reason, its frustrating, great, worrysome, tiring. I didnt ask for her number, im pulling my hair out and bashing my face against the wall, why didnt I, i cant even say thats how idiotic it all is, and frankly its getting really fucking old. yee led zeppelin is on now and things seem so much better, ryan is coming down on friday, im ready for some hiking, traveling, anything really, its time to leave this pavement, im just sick of seeing cement when i look down. hopei see you outside of my house at any moment carly, or in school, or anywhere, her bangs were nice just the way i like them. she had great conversation, i had little things to say. on a side note an irishman randomly ran in between us asking us what plant he had in his hand, and said he ripped out that branch and was planning to grow a tree with it, is this guy ridiculous, or am i stupid, can i grow a tree from a branch? love the irish, good people. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2006|08:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ulrich schnauss- wherever you are | ] |
im sick of this. where's the love gone to.should i yell, do a little dance, whisper in your ear, or have nice little comment on observations, what the fuck, something your wearing, accessorising with, accessories your carrying, accessories on your head, brand labels, studying material, ahh i got it, that erasable pen. sheesh, it's pretty tiring, I wish I can invent something that would mass produce and I could be on billboards in Japan. well im not doing to much right now, changed my major to physiology, check up on it, and not surprisingly it states I'm determined to get a BA in psychology, just idiots. "dont assume be led by reason", i could say the people working in administrative offices 'look', educated, a farcry. then i thought couldnt there be reason to assume? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2006|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gnarles Barkley- Crazy | ] |
ok. I wasnt going to write tonight, just got in, but I was reading ryans personal online writing styles, I didnt finish his latest entry, never happened before, and an impulse to release whats happened ot met oday rushed through. Day started typical, got up early, studied for chemistry lab final, took it, massive cheating, laughing, making friends with unexpected people, booya. And off I went to work to call more people and let them evaluate sf state university. Just a short comment on this project it is so stupid, this company gets contracts form the mayor, from the public utilities commission, and now evaluate the school? The folks who went to sf state light up when I call and have nothing bad to say at all, uh can we be more bias. Some are so stupid, one of the questions in the survey is to rate schools form 1-10, 10 being excellent. Guy today rated Berekly 10, and sf community college 9, he proceeded to tell me he has a masters, a little short burst of a laugh came out of me and instinctively changed it to a cough. What the hell is wrong with people, but in this city, anything goes, and grows apparently. Works gets off and I'mwalking by Fudruckers, sort of a chucky cheese on crack, with tv's and turkey burgers. As I walk by, I see one of my bosses, mark, whos in a wheelchair. Hes sitting back, watching the mavericks game. I realized why go home, nothings holding me down on any outlet and so walked in and sat right next to him. Ive never really sat with anyone in his position and delved into a conversation, we were rpetty oblivious to the game. He told me how he worked in jail doing one on one interviews, how he almost had a mental rbeakdown last month, and if not for telemarketing he doesnt know what would happen. If anyone else could say that eveyrone would start laughing it up. I was talking to him soul to soul, telling him where im from, yadda yadda. Game was over, quite the game, fucking Dirk couldnt put back the layup. Anyways he began offering me a new position in August where I would be going out on 1 on 1 interviews, doing the jail thing he did, which is quite interesting Ill delve into that later, and also another job working with the NTSB, talking with airport employees and what not. We were conversing casually and he told me he was trying to get into electric engineering, starting with his cars, and how at one point even thinking of trying to figure out the electrical system in his car was so far fetched, as if he could stand now and walk away from it all. It was a nice touch on the subect of how people really dont give the time, a damn, for anything anymore, things are to complex, ill pay for someone elses headache, but in fact what headache. As soon as he got into it its just a matter of cause/effect, strategizing the way you jump into it. I could just see his face lighting up, mind you hes about 27, 35? Which reminds me of this great book my buddy gave me Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Mainteneance, which covers this topic pretty in depth of technology and the reason behind peoples lack of energy? no. lack of..motivation? why learn the new way, the old way is better, if not, i can spare a few bucks, so we wont take a plane on our trip but a train. So anyways I lost where I was going but I really appreciated spending time with him, and looking at these offers, hes a good man looking forward to some more stories. alright I gotta cook something, stomach started rumbling at work I played it off moving my chair around. peace.
p.s. download some Gnarles Barkely you fiends. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2006|03:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ani difranco | ] |
I want this down because i enjoyed this analogy. Ive been out of the 'game', for a little while. I have learned to adapt to it and its as if it is meaningless to me to even put energy into it anymore. I have been walking in this desert for so long that I have survived without, water. Water meaning our most desired pleasure. I have been walking, pacing, seeing an oasis, I arrive and its more dust. But a sip, even a drop would be so nice, and it would sling me back into where I was at one time. It's not about being less happy here but learning to live without it, why learn? why have i put myself in this situation, water bottles have been handed out to me and I have yet to break the seal and chug. All I really know is that I am stuck in this house until August, the part of making the best of it has passed, now it's time to just coexist independantly. It is so contradictory, yes we want to have sex with different partners everyday if we could, and yes I hate one night stands. reading more of hemingways I tihnk I admire the matadors so much I am placing them into me. I am a matador and I never want to meet my bull, maybe I dont want to hurt it, maybe I enjoy misleading them. But in the end they are glamorous and stand with there head high, just going into the ring is enough to admire. I'll be heading in shortly, I feel it, you cant describe that just like you can't describe hundreds of other feelings. Why dissect them, seems like it's better not to know, and simply enjoy. I have recently changed my mjaor into physiology, I have no clue as to what I'll be able to do with it, other than grad school, teaching or research, all of which seem bleak to me. The body is nuts, and to learn what the hell goes on daily, thousand of functions interacting with each other to get my ass up out of bed is fucking great, who wouldn't be interested. So, Summer school will come in no time, I am going to L.A., maybe a trip to Miami and camping with friends. Even if i don't complete as well as I should have, , I will be here in this great city, sanfro. A city that really entices me into living in other places. If people are born in l.a. and don't leave, it leaves an impression that theres no reason to leave, we have it all. got to get some rest, spent the night at buddies, it's hard sleeping with your lower half hanging off the edge. |
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| hello hello |
[May. 10th, 2006|02:19 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Imogen Heap- Hide and Seek | ] |
i am pretty impulsive. I never thought I was so much before, but looking back I realized when I want something that instant, its not hard getting it, aslong as its reasonable. Thankfully whatever I want doesn't seem to cost alot of paper, aint that grand. Went out to fishermans wharf for some innout, its fucking insane that this is only a west coast operation, and I dont think they have any stock options, there the greatest underground cow slaughtering industry. Anyways, passed by eddie, thats what it looks like signed, eddie does graffitti art on the corner for the tourists that go from french, to brazilian. We all stand around, waiting, anticipating, some gigle and squirm, I, am in a constant pace around the crowd, smetimes surveying them, then back to eddie. The work that is on display is a jab compared to what hes unearthing. I stood there watching an orange-red spot that took up the entire print, minutes later, a fantastic piece of work. See its not really in looking at what hes creating but looking at his eyes, this could onyl be done with lots of people standing around, the same respect, and intesiveness as if he was an obstretician on a late night call and here comes junior. The foreground of the spray art is a river which leads into the magnificent golden gate with the city on one side, and saturn in the back. The way he moved this river with a torn page from the magazine, that was the push I needed over the top, came home with it. Thanks eddie, I'm pretty sure I saw your family member a few blocks down doing the same amazing techniques which I thought were uniqe, looking at your 'cousins', he didn't do the same job. The general ideas of his pieces were the same, but the labor intensive care was not even close, I am fuckin happy I got the best print that night from either place and seeing eddie in that light. well after typing that and thinking of tommorrow and alot of other bullshit time for sleep, it is time for a vacation. I need to eat a churro soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2006|02:15 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | u2 - one | ] |
i guess this should be a long one for myself to rethink whats happened. I got hit in the face this lasy weekend in san jose, and I did deserve it to a certain extent, i lost contorl and frankly who knows what would have happened if i didnt get leveled to the ground. I just got back from a night with nikki and ximena (maria), a great night with pure laughs, none forced. I cant bebeleive both will leave soon , ximena to guatemala, and nikki to london, I just want to be thankfull they have come across in my life, and not that i make an impression on them but that they make an impression on me whihc I cannot forget. These ritz are so good but its the fucking salt thats makes by taste buds stand up like slim shady. Its hard for me not knowing what I will be doing int he next 5 months, maybe itd harder for me to realize that my grades might be a dissappointment to the folks, somehow i feel like eveyrtihng will work out. Even though I went to the bar alone today (earlier, before met em all) I felt apart of something, apart of a being that I am, doesnt matter alone or not alone, all that matters is being f'in happy. Theres alot of things goingt hrough ymind right now, I always stop and take a breather and organize it, but I want to smoke this bowl, and just sit back and listen. Let the music take me on a journey of the soul through unexplored terrain. Besides I spent the whole day at the park, across the street, did a little performance playing guitar for a few dog owners, they decided to clap and repeat that I was good, but I merely played for that blossom tree I sat in front of, the detail was nuts with the forest in the background and a dog park below on the foreground level, if only instinct told me to bring my camera. My good buddy went to see my other good buddy up in chico, only for the sake of comfort. I wanted to go but I actualyl have class and planning to attend but the mere fact that he chose just to see him instead of a phone call, well that my friends is truth. If you ever wonder about this or that with the close people next to you, you just need to ask yourself will they be there when I need it the most, im lucky, lucky to be a part of something thats greater than just myself. heres an odd statement, culinary school has crossed my mind, maybe im crazy but the food i cook is so fucking delicious. i need to meet someone, maybe i should ask ximena out, but shes leaving but its always good time with her one thats relaxed, nobody can just walk away from that, maybe, well they can but id like to add more memories before they both leave. so well see whre it goes. and to all a goodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|01:16 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothing? air molecules hitting my face | ] |
justa few thoughts. if your on the muni, or any public transportation on this planet, and your coming up on your stop, get your ass up early and get off. I am sick and tired of seeing these little old ladies, so far its been mostly them but anyone for that matter waiting for the last second, thinking they are on the carpet going to their throne, to exit bumping hitting everything and anything, no regard for human life, not even their own. Oh and this other thing, when there is a society, or humans walking about, next to each other, past each other. If one is in the other's path and there is no going around, be polite and fucking move you jackasses, its frustrating, and frankly no one wants to go through mazes everyday. follow protocol. On a side note from grocery shopping, I am glad in not choosing the young chickent breasts, which are syringed with steroids and cost 6 dollars cheaper not to mention there are 3 times more breasts in this package than the natural grown chicken fillets, to cook and put over my fettucine. |
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| never take the greyhound, unarmed... weapons or fragrance. |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|12:53 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Shawn Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra - Bollywood | ] |
well today was an event. I pretty much spent the whole day doing thigns I didn't plan at all. I have a 6 page paper due tomorow but I still think I'm alright, its 1. I know I'm deceiving myself, the day was spent convincing a friend that the best way to know himself and move on is to pick himself back up in the worst situations he's been in. He keeps falling down the hill into numbing his own world, but you will wake up tomorow buddy, again and again until the numbing is permanent, so...get up. I have also opened myself up to people I didn't want to, not strangers. Before it never occured to me to do so, why, time is valuable to all of us, but realizing that in doing so there was some value in it. little value, and honestly I feel a little better. little and small, go a long ways. I do feel like a mystery to some people, maybe that's my nietzche. Give a few glimpses into me and go back in the shadow. Am i this shadow stalker, walker? this is all fine. i'm ending the day with a smile. how many people can say that tonight. this tea is delicious. i'm little down on missing all these basketball games, they are intense and electrifying, telling the difference between commentators in different games, some of them have no point to speak, they should flash names of whos currently running the ball, that's it. feels like the break was time to catch up on television. what an idiot. the shows from the early days arent on. do they sell box sets of wonder years? if only i had a video camera, make my own set. |
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| going home |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|09:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | deep purple- soldier of fortune | ] |
my most used quote. 'a blessing in disguise', it rings true in too many situations. what a great break, a break from 'it' all. whatever, it's always just another place we want to be in; a layer glittered with emotion, but i love it. this place or that place, ive been trying meditation but having personal discdrepencies in the manchra to use. Theres no peace if i can't use one, always changing shows the inner mess. i'll share it with you, kamtchatka meh yun. who knows what it means, who cares. the ultimate place would be where i could leave my eyes open and reach that same level if they were closed. possible? a dream world overlapping the physical realm. hm, ill read about this see what others have come up with, i can bet the highest monks have achieved this. we had great steak for dinner, and caviar, cognac, raisin bread, apple cider tea. those who are vegetarians; a flash; we're omnivores. the steak was succulent. the veal meal never consists of a thought of how they; the producers; are boxed, caged, in for months for the meat to be lean. well not unless someone brings it up at the table, why ruin it, the taste could be overwhelming enough to pass over the thought. that's it. |
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| god damn you |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sufjan Stevens- to be alone with you- seven swans | ] |
god damn you for making me go through this. God damn you for showing me the true nature of goodness. God damn you for becoming my family. God damn you for this unjustly pain. I hate you for this feeling. This feeling would be absent if I never knew you. I would rather be a criminal, not deal with family, or love, then to go through this. I would rather be in a cell right now then to have these feelings. Do you see what your putting me through. I love you so much, I havent loved a man the way I love you. They said it's only a matter of time, what kind of world is this where we wait. We wait for the inevitable and I have no contorl over anything. I am angered, and have so much hatred because I have no control. I am holding your hand right now but that makes no difference. I used to beleive that each of us walk our own path alone in the end. You changed my world, why you must do this at a time where I realize my surroundings, where I understand enough, why can't I be 12 and not have power behind my thought. You are at the end of your path, in due time, and your stealing a piece of me away that I can't ever get back. God damn you for being who you are. I dont want you to think twice of what your eating, it doesn't matter. If you want that salty piece of fish with a shot of vodka, I want to serve it to you, I don't want to hear no. We all question the reasons behind things, we question why we are here, the purpose of this charade called 'life'. I figured it out, it took a while but without you it could have been a mystery forever, for a while. Love. We are here only to love, and I hate you for it. This is a power beyond comprehension, it's one word that expresses a million feelings, gestures. You people with your monetary ambitions, fuck you all, let me tell you a story of a man who changed one person's life forever, for the better. Is that the reason your number is up. It's truly revolutionary, but your taking a piece of me with you and I couldn't be happier you are the man who is taking it. All i want to hear is for you to tell me that I'm a good man, that I am doing the right things, anybody elses word's don't hit me as hard, with the same power or expressiveness as your soft spoken words. God damn you. No more asking questions why, and what if, I know what you wanted, that lighter with the titties that light up, and those mcdonald's fries. All you wanted for me was to complete this academics and share my sex stories. Good people tend to leave me, how I don't want you to go anywhere and not even my words make a difference. You didn't even live a happy life, I'll live the second one for you. I just want you to know that people go through this life without encountering a man like you, moreover a family member like you. Am i thankful? Am i greatful? no, I'm angered. I want to say, I love you. These 3 words are not the same ones I used when I was 12, nor 18. Today these words have a a new meaning behind them, a depth I only wish I could have attained without these circumstances. You are not gone tonight, tomorow I will call you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|12:51 am] |
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well ive never written my thoughts in this. I never wanted the public to read this but i have a weird feeling now of not giving two shits abnout anytihng but putting my thoughts down. weird mood tonight, after work i went to get mexican food, after a delicious steak burrito i sat in the back corner of the bus, subconciously perfectly comfortable? i didnt get offat my stop, i took it all around northern sf and then hopped of to catch the bus back. passing the golden gate bridge always makes my eyes pleased. funny thing a few people sitting around me didnt even look out that side of the window to see this huge magnificent architecture. what is it really, a red bridge, a cement block that i can't take my eyes off no matter how many times i pas by it. why did i stay on this bus ride, maybe i didn't want to go home, drink my iced tea, turn on the music, i just wanted to go and leave everytihng behind even if it was for a mere hour. i feel something strange behind htese eyes, as if i'm only a mind,. only saying short sentences to finish conversations, waiting for people to bring up issues or end them? random thought, i got some drink with nikki on saturday, shes here on a visa from england, im gonna miss her, shes pure, theres no second side to her, i feel as though im an endless shape, sides that are continous, its re ah god its just tiring. alright maybe ill write , feels good to put it down but for others to read? guess its ok for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|01:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | fiona apple | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2005|05:05 pm] |
an interview with olivier in 2000, ......"I’ve had tears in my eyes when taking photos. Simply because of the intensity passing between the person and myself as I look at them through the camera’s lens." |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2005|04:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bob marley | ] |
well I have finally found someone who reaches into me and touches my spirit with a lens. http://www.follmi.com/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2005|12:27 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rjd2- iced lightning | ] |
( .... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|05:06 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab for cute- soul meets body | ] |
( cry wolf ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|10:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Incubus- Are you in | ] |
ah.
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|10:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Moby- Everloving | ] |
got lucky in miami
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|09:54 pm] |
Cloud explosion on the horizon
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craizy_man's journal
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